I sat in church this morning trying to focus and concentrate on everything my pastor was saying and trying to make a real understanding of it . If we're being honest, I find myself lost in some abstract thoughts most of the time, listening but never fully understanding what the meaning of it all really is. It's frustrating if we're still being honest. Am I the only one who feels this way? I feel like, when Jesus is speaking the parables to the men and he's doing this because some would not understand them, I feel like those who aren't understanding. I pray I'm not taking it out of context of misunderstanding that as well.
"He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. 12 For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. 13 Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. 14 And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: 15 For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them." Matthew 13:11-15
Commentary tells me that the peoples choosing not to listen and receive the message is why he spoke this way. Now I'm not writing a post on understanding parables, because lets face it... I'm just not that smart. But I truly feel I have no unwillingness to hear Jesus. With that being said, why must I feel as though I'm just not getting it!? It's a rhetorical question, I think.. unless someone has a genuinely smart and understandable answer? I'd love to hear it.
Tomorrow is December 31st, 2018. Another year has passed, that's nothing really note worthy, just a typical observation for time of year. It's just another ending to another year, nothing major. But it is major, in a thought. Because time passes, slowly and extremely fast. I pass over memories on social media and I'm like wait, that was eight years ago?!! It seems like it's only been a short time now. It's puzzling for me, I feel like I'm an onset of forgetfulness, and I'm only thirty seven this year. It's been almost nineteen years since I graduated high school and it's weird there are times when I'm like man that wasn't that long ago?!! But, it was eighteen years! That's incredible really.
During my lost years (ya know the ones where you run from God?), and there were a lot of those, I never thought I'd make it this far. I had no idea where I would be or what I would be doing, nor did I care. Now I'm here, with a few children, married and living right next door to my childhood home that is vacant of my mothers presence and while I love my father so very much and he is what keeps me here, I have these deep feelings that this just isn't where I am suppose to be in my life. Maybe it's simply not the time for me to be anywhere else, but perhaps I have this crisis of the heart and mind that tells me I should be doing more and I should be doing it somewhere else. But without clear evidence that it's what God wants for my life, I can't make a move. I'm frozen with fear, of the unknown, and indecision. Also promises that I'd made to my mother. How I wish life were easier.
I'm hoping this post isn't a long one, but there is a lot on my heart and I know if I don't grab this opportunity, it's going to slip away from me, just as it always does.
So I sit here tonight, after the quake of my unruly children destroying the home we live in, AGAIN. My husband yelling over the destruction and making his opinions well known about how he feels about our home. I'll admit, it's not the home I ever wanted and I only committed to moving here because of it's location (conveniently located next to my parents). If we get down to the grit of it, I'm just unhappy. I don't feel connected to anyone, I just don't think they like me and that I don't understand them. "After the life I've lived and the sin I've committed, I just don't think I fit in and if they knew all I've done... they wouldn't love me at all."
Insecurities aside, being unhappy goes against all that I believe. I understand and believe truly that we as Christians should be the happiest people there are. Because by the grace of God he sent his only son to die on an old rugged tree to save someone like me, some old sinner who just can't learn a lesson like me. It breaks my heart, truly it does.
The real gist of it is simply this, God never said it was going to be easy. And it isn't!
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Regardless of how I feel and the curve balls life throws at me. God will always be there to catch me. I've got a lot of thinking and praying to do. Seeking His guidance for this life I live. I'm not getting any younger, I'm going to miss it if I keep sitting around waiting for the signs.
If you're reading this, I pray you have a blessed day and that this helps you, I know what it's like to get down in the dumps. We're only human.
Be blessed.
Okay, so let me take this one thing at a time.
ReplyDeleteFirst, if you are asking the question, you are on the right track.
Second, fear is the thing that holds us all bound. I understand it, we all have moments that we think we aren't where we're supposed to be. I think it would be helpful to remember that you do have a job that God wants you to do- raising those kids. Not that is your only job, but it is the one you have right now. Remember this when you feel like you need to do something more: God leads with love, Satan accuses from hate. If it feels like an accusation, it's not from God.
You aren't the only friend I have trapped in a "geographical location". All I know to say there is what the Word says- give it to Him, trust His timing, be content in your situation.
As for the joy, this has been a BIG problem of mine. But I bring to mind the end of the Prodigal Son parable. Here I am, returning in utter defeat, wearing pig crap as a badge of how fully I failed, with every reason to be condemned- and My Father sees me afar off, runs to greet me, holds me despite my filth. Don't just put yourself in the sin part of the story, put yourself in the "welcome home" part as well.
As for the understanding of these stories, I think the same principle holds. Don't try so hard to make yourself the bad guy. Remember that if you pray for wisdom, you will receive it. Something in the word puzzles you, read it, walk away, let it marinade in the back of your mind a while. Come back later, get some different views, ask questions, even if you're asking yourself. God will let you in on it, because you dilligently seek Him in it.
As for the passage of time- just wait! I look at it this way. When I was in high school, a year was 15-20% of my life. Now, a year is under 2% of my life. Time goes faster relative to our age. And we never get any younger.