Life... a parable?

I sat in church this morning trying to focus and concentrate on everything my pastor was saying and trying to make a real understanding of it . If we're being honest, I find myself lost in some abstract thoughts most of the time, listening but never fully understanding what the meaning of it all really is.  It's frustrating if we're still being honest. Am I the only one who feels this way?  I feel like, when Jesus is speaking the parables to the men and he's doing this because some would not understand them, I feel like those who aren't understanding. I pray I'm not taking it out of context of misunderstanding that as well.

"He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. 12 For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. 13 Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. 14 And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive: 15 For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them." Matthew 13:11-15

Commentary tells me that the peoples choosing not to listen and receive the message is why he spoke this way. Now I'm not writing a post on understanding parables, because lets face it... I'm just not that smart.  But I truly feel I have no unwillingness to hear Jesus. With that being said, why must I feel as though I'm just not getting it!?  It's a rhetorical question, I think.. unless someone has a genuinely smart and understandable answer? I'd love to hear it.

Tomorrow is December 31st, 2018. Another year has passed, that's nothing really note worthy, just a typical observation for time of year.  It's just another ending to another year, nothing major. But it is major, in a thought. Because time passes, slowly and extremely fast.  I pass over memories on social media and I'm like wait, that was eight years ago?!!  It seems like it's only been a short time now.  It's puzzling for me, I feel like I'm an onset of forgetfulness, and I'm only thirty seven this year.  It's been almost nineteen years since I graduated high school and it's weird there are times when I'm like man that wasn't that long ago?!! But, it was eighteen years!  That's incredible really. 

During my lost years (ya know the ones where you run from God?), and there were a lot of those, I never thought I'd make it this far. I had no idea where I would be or what I would be doing, nor did I care.  Now I'm here, with a few children, married and living right next door to my childhood home that is vacant of my mothers presence and while I love my father so very much and he is what keeps me  here, I have these deep feelings that this just isn't where I am suppose to be in my life. Maybe it's simply not the time for me to be anywhere else, but perhaps I have this crisis of the heart and mind that tells me I should be doing more and I should be doing it somewhere else.  But without clear evidence that it's what God wants for my life, I can't make a move. I'm frozen with fear, of the unknown, and indecision. Also promises that I'd made to my mother.  How I wish life were easier.

I'm hoping this post isn't a long one, but there is a lot on my heart and I know if I don't grab this opportunity, it's going to slip away from me, just as it always does.

So I sit here tonight, after the quake of my unruly children destroying the home we live in, AGAIN. My husband yelling over the destruction and making his opinions well known about how he feels about our home. I'll admit, it's not the home I ever wanted and I only committed to moving here because of it's location (conveniently located next to my parents). If we get down to the grit of it, I'm just unhappy.  I don't feel connected to anyone,  I just don't think they like me and that  I don't understand them. "After the life I've lived and the sin I've committed, I just don't think I fit in and if they knew all I've done... they wouldn't love me at all." 

Insecurities aside, being unhappy goes against all that I believe.  I understand and believe truly that we as Christians should be the happiest people there are.  Because by the grace of God he sent his only son to die on an old rugged tree to save someone like me, some old sinner who just can't learn a lesson like me.  It breaks my heart, truly it does. 

The real gist of it is simply this, God never said it was going to be easy. And it isn't! 

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Regardless of how I feel and the curve balls life throws at me.  God will always be there to catch me. I've got a lot of thinking and praying to do. Seeking His guidance for this life I live.  I'm not getting any younger, I'm going to miss it if I keep sitting around waiting for the signs. 

If you're reading this, I pray you have a blessed day and that this helps you, I know what it's like to get down in the dumps.  We're only human. 

Be blessed.

He never gives up

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Unlike all the other disappointments I'm facing today, including myself.  God doesn't let me down.  I feel a heavy weight of anxiety this week. I could use the extra prayers.

Probably just tired

Discouraged tonight (not that it's anything new I guess)

I spent all last week sharing scriptures and advice and trying to make sure I share words of encouragement and today it knocks me down a peg.

The realities of being tired I reckon.

I won't discuss my problems tonight, but I will share that the devil will come at you from all angles.  He's always striking out through the same people though. 

Stupid devil .

Help me pray, that I won't lose my thoughts.  That even though I'm disappointed and discouraged I won't let it get me down and I won't take it out on anyone unnecessarily. 

Just because they aren't treating me right, doesn't mean I should stoop to their level .

I'm still tired.

but have you seen my hair cut? 

Goodnight frands

Would you say no more?

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Persecution. If you were facing it head on,  Would you give up your fight and denounce your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

If they threw you in a den of lions? Or an arena of beasts? Could you deny your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? 

If they pulled your children from you in attempts to harm them in some way, would you denounce our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

If they threw you in prison, tortured you over and over and over again, could you would you tell Jesus Christ NO more?  The cruel and inhuman pictures thrown in our lives, the torture and the murder of those around the world who are facing persecution for our Lord and Savior. For those who came before us who endured the ravaging of the ancient times. Our precious Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who was beaten and shackled and mocked and crucified for our sins.  It breaks my heart, my whole heart.  I think about my life, about my children's lives. I think about what the world may have to offer for us, for our children, for Christians. It breaks my heart. 

"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom on heaven."

Matthew 5:10 KJV

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So, what if you did deny your Lord. What if, to avoid the suffering and the torture or if you just couldn't take the pain any more you denounced your Lord and Savior.  

Could He would He deny you one day when you  die and approach the throne for judgment? Could you would you spend the rest of your live begging forgiveness?  Asking for your penance and repenting from the sin. 

What would you say to your church?  Would you shame the congregation?  The name of Christ? Would they make you leave the church you love.  

Truth being, I can't be sure anyone can really answer these questions.  

Our God is a loving and forgiving God, Jesus Christ loved us so much that He took his sinless life and offered it for us, for SINNERS.  Our God is also a just God.  

I pray for those in persecution. I pray those who persecute find Jesus Christ.  

Jesus in the Old Testament

I'm curious to dig deeper in the Word and see how many more I can find.  The studies I'm working on with our connections group as well as Church History is helping. 

I've always been curious about those who came before me and those who were martyred for their beliefs, of course I'm getting a dose of a little of each.  Because most of those who came before us were martyred for their beliefs.

Can you imagine denying our Father, for no reason other than to save ones own rear? 

 Yea, me neither.

This week alone the pieces from each (my group and studies) have kind of come together, don't you love when that happens? 

"I saw in the night visions, and, behold. one like the Son of man came with the clouds of heaven, and came to the Ancient of days, and they brought him near before him." 

the next verse is even better... 

"And there was given him dominion, and glory, and kingdom, that all people, nations, and languages, should serve him: his dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom that which shall not be destroyed."

Daniel 7:13-14

Tonight question in my readings on the Church Fathers, is the Old Testament really about Jesus or is it about Gods work among the Jews.

Crazy right, 

I've heard it said and preached that Jesus was the topic of the Old Testament. It's awesome to read it for yourself and go oh... ok, now I get it. 

Ahhhh that moment. 

Thank you Jesus. 

Pray for us, we're leaving for Florida in a few days.  It's only about an 8 hour car ride, straight through. I imagine with 4 kids and a grumpy me it will be more like 10-12 and a vow never to go at it again.  Keep us in your prayers as we travel and you know the Florida weather... never can tell. My oldest boy has learned a good deal about hurricanes and all that, we should be safe. 

Be blessed yall, thanks for reading. God is good, all the time. 

Giving it up

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With missions weighing heavily on my heart these last weeks or so, I'm reminding myself to pray diligently as to what I can give up to help me reach my goal of helping with the missions I have on my heart. 

Now don't let the photo confuse you, I don't plan on giving up all of those and to be honest there are quite a few on there that I don't even partake in.  It's a good photo though, right? It's not mine, but I liked it.  It fit. 

I know this isn't all educational and even very interesting, I'm sorry for that. It wouldn't be a blog of mine if it didn't contain some of my ramblings from time to time.

 Be blessed yall. 

what a beautiful name it is

I don't have much to add tonight. 

Praising Jesus for another beautiful day in this life.  

I stumbled upon a song that's definitaly laid on my heart.  

"What a beautiful name it is"

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He's been so good to me, and every word of this is true. His name is Holy and beautiful and no one can compare to Him. 

Oh Lord, lead me

Good afternoon friends

I'm here permanently for some time, only the Lord can lead me as to how long. 

I've recently picked up the incentives to post daily about my life and my daily going ons. I've made the decision to abandon the old MB indefinitely.  

Again, it's where the Lord shall lead me.

I'm praying for strength and the words to keep this going for some time.  I'm back at taking my online courses for Biblical Studies, last night was my first night singing in our church choir. No one threw tomatoes at me either.  Today my goal was to work on this as well as my daily writings that I've fallen behind on, but my computer is so slow right now due to irregular use I assume. I pray it gets better, there isn't anything more frustrating than trying to access multiple sites as well as compose papers and projects on a machine that simply isn't up for the challenge.

  

I'm still the head of the nursery at church, currently we still have quite a few small children to take care of . The twins are two now!  Eastley is 5.  He's doing wonderfully in our children's programs as well, the children's ministry is really wonderful right now.  The new couple is really doing great things with it.  

My next steps are to get into the missions team at church.  Missions has been on my heart for some time now and while I know deep down that I probably can't go to Africa, I secretly wish the Lord would send me and that my family would go with me too.  They look at me like I have 6 heads when I jokingly (seriously secretly) mention it to them.  

Seriously, how do you want and desire something like that and feel it within your heart that you want to do something like that and your family not be on board.  The struggle is real.  The missionary at church said something last night that really stuck with me. He said to start where you are NOW!  Do something where you are.  I really liked that and I really want to do something NOW. I'm going to start with the missions team at my own church.  I'm not telling you this for any reason other than to just talk right now.  I'm going on and on and I should stop and save some thoughts for another day, but they're flowing right now so I'm rolling with it.

Thanks for hanging in this far... 

We really are blessed, where we are at.  I'm hoping and praying to become the person I'm meant to be. I want a calling, I want to find my calling. I want to be all that I can be, for Jesus Christ. 

  

So, it's with this I will leave you for today.  Again, prayers for you all and please pray for me as well.  Thank you  and God bless. 

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Being justified freely by his grace through 

the redemption that is in Jesus Christ:"

Romans 3:23-24