My peaceful place

This … one of my most favorite places I've ever been ever, so far.  First Beach in La Push, Wa.  I don't recall ever feeling that kind of peace in the world.  

Something to talk about

Our wedding anniversary recently passed... it was only a few days ago to be honest.  My husband got me a new lap top, because lets be real … mine was ancient and so very slow.  So now, I'm at a place where I try to figure out what I can use this new laptop for.  

See the thing is... when I purchased my last lap top, a long, long time ago I was taking some online courses.  So, I'm trying my hand at blogging...again. See, back when I first started blogging, I was also at a weird place in my life. The other night when I blogged I read through my last blog, in January and it flowed a lot like tonight's blog.  Now I don't remember exactly what my blogging was way back when this all started, that was a couple of blogs ago. Way back in the original Money Butt blog, but today I'm here... still working on this thing called life, this testimony of mine.  This journey of my life in pursuit of my love of Christ.  

So we shall see!  I don't know if I'll remember to take the time to blog often or daily or whenever. But I do hope that I can at least come up with something interesting to say …. occasionally. 

Goodnight 

Hello. ... is there anyone else out there?

I'm at a loss, I'm at an intersection of my life.  I imagine that's pretty odd, or pretty common. I can't be sure.  It doesn't feel as simple as what I'm eating or in what direction my nutrition will send me.  

These don't seem the greatest importance a lot of the time, but they do weigh on my distractions.  The majority of my existence seems kind of mundane. Unfortunately I've not changed much or grown much in this life.  I trust and love my God, but I feel like it is never enough.. And though I know it's probably enough for Him, I feel like a failure daily. I cant say why because I'm not to that stage of my understanding yet.  

So to sum it up, I've still no idea what I'm doing or why I'm even doing it sometimes.  Looking forward to the next chapter, whatever that may be... Hoping I can figure it out myself.  

New Year New Me, Crap

It's hard to believe another year has passed, welcome 2020. I've read a lot of "New Year new me" so far this year. This is to be expected, I know, it happens every single year.  But honestly I feel like it's all a load of crap, just like it is every year.  This is rightly because deep down I'm not sure that people change without real commitment and real determination and lets face it ... that is not the world we live in today. However, I'm going to keep the faith and pray that they are indeed their "new me". That the new self they've chosen to take will stick and that they have a blessed and happy 2020.

Being on the subject, I felt I'd share a moment of what I've been battling the last few days.  Because lets be frank here, the New Year rang in and I felt like the same old me.  It was a hard year and by the end of it I just felt defeated.  Not only that I felt down, I felt like I was losing or had lost my grip and honestly was slipping into an oblivion.  I found myself looking around in search of my strength, my focus and my hearts desire.  

I felt as though I'd ran too far from my hope, my strength and my hearts desire.  That He couldn't or wouldn't see or hear me anymore. I was traveling back down the rabbit hole and into hell, again.  But, praise be, Psalm 46 says God is our refuge and strength.  I need my strength to carry on. I need my strength to get through this next phase of my life.  Because it's truly time for change, it's truly time to move on with this life.  Out with the old and in with the new and to embrace the One who is truly going to be there with me through it all. The One who will never tell me I'm not good enough. The One who through no matter what I've done or how many times I fall down, like a good Dad he's there encouraging and brushing the leaves from my hair and hugging me through the tears.  

John 16:33 says, These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

I know trouble, I know the heart ache and the tears and the sadness and the feeling that no matter what you will never love enough and will never be enough to those in the world... But to God, I am everything.

Because you see, I'll spout all of this about my heart being in Washington and how much I love it and want to be there and while that is true, in a sense.  It's not all that I am, all that I am is Him. And if he wants me here, then this is where I'll have to be.  And I will be OK with that, because this doesn't mean I can't go back to Washington, it just means at this time of life, it just won't work.  But I love it, I love those tall and beautiful trees.  I love those vast and freezing shores coming into that amazing west coast.  Oh my heart longs to return to that peace, but I have an even better peace only a prayer away.  Praise Him. 

My hearts desire is to please Him.  I've messed it up, over and over again and there no guarantee I won't do it again. By His grace I get another chance, another year, to attempt to make it right.  I'm not a new "person" but I am going to be a new focused me,  with this year I'm going to be determined to be focused.

I refuse to stand still anymore. 

I refuse to deny my soul what it truly longs for.  The happiness only found in the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  

I will not be shaken, anymore. 

Go

Everything is shouting "Go".  But I'm scared

I'm scared to say it out loud, as if willing it so 

I'm scared of what people might thing

I'm scared of the reactions I will get

Most of all I'm scared of being told no. 

This is where the boldness I so desire would come in handy

This is where the eloquence I so need would be desired

This is where everything I tell myself should be exercised

Pray for my boldness

Pray that God give me the words

Pray for guidance 

PNW: Episode 3

 Going from Georgia to Washington state means you have to take an airplane...  usually.  Of course you could drive and trust me that was definitely an option I had SERIOUSLY considered and would still consider, but this trip wasn't going to be that long (unfortunately).

So because we'd planned a weekend style trip, we would have to fly.

So I flew...

It all began with a delay, which came to us in a notification on my savvy husbands trip app.  So we'd planned on a delay, but the delay got longer and longer as we got closer and closer to the Atlanta airport (of course why wouldn't it).

We finally make it and I forget my phone in the van and my dad has to come back through that mess to bring it to me.

 Thank the good God above for such an awesome dad!  He came back without any fuss!

By this time our flight had delayed for many many hours, we were planning to leave like 6-7am but was looking to be more like 10-11am.  Luckily when we went to check in there was another flight available for us to take. So we'd fly to Colorado, which turned out to be REALLY cool seeing the mountains.  Originally I think we were to fly into LA with a much longer layover. Luckily, it all worked out well.

Long story short... There wasn't much to complain about with my first traveling experience.  I'd never been on a plane before and I think I expected there to be a little more legroom, luckily I'm pretty average in height.

The take off was weird, the landing was ok.. I really hated the part where it has to get ready to land.. There was a lot of turning and swooshing and I'll be honest I just wanted to puke!

The mountains in Colorado were really cool!!

-MB

PNW: Episode 2

Hiyah folks!

So I'm going to kind of piggy pack on the last post, because this was a little note worthy but I didn't get to it in the last post, because I couldn't find the photo.

Remember this guy?

He's the coach there at the high school and he's been doing tours  for people like me since Twilight began and as I said in the last post... this was the very last tour as they were going to have a groundbreaking ceremony the next day in preparation to tear down the school.  

I'm pretty sad about that

So once the tour wrapped up and we were all hanging out in the lunch room taking photos he had some Twilight items to give away and holy crow I actually won one of them. 

I.Never.Win.Anything.

And though I have at least two copies of the Twilight Saga as well as a few other books I enjoy and collected over the years, I did not have this book.  

Which is super cool!! 

I still can't believe it's true.  

There's more... Don't stop stopping by.

-MB