Where it began

It began on the beginning of a weekend, a normal weekend for me. Or what I had been calling normal for some years now.  Another weekend, another party, another guy.  Well, the same guy, nevermind that came out all wrong. 

What would be my husband(again) and I were excited and anticipating the upcoming drinking party at one of my friends houses.  Something I'd been doing for some years already, as I'd mentioned.  Being divorced and dating someone who wasn't opposed to giving me whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it never put up much of a fight to my suggestions of going to a party.  It was easy back then.  Every other weekend, my daughter was with her Dad so other than the work schedule of the man I was dating we were pretty free to party whenever we wanted. 

But I digress. 

So this weekend in question, I knew what the plans were. I was excited for those plans. I wasn't ready or willing to be anything different. To do anything different with my life. I'd got the baby sitter arranged and we were ready to go. 

Mom was still alive then, she was playing baby sitter.  She was surviving breast cancer.  Mom knew something she wasn't telling me or my sister. Knew something she'd either neglected to tell anyone or made them vow secrecy on the matter. I think Mom knew she was going to die. Though she wouldn't let the Dr tell her how long she had or anything like that. I think she knew.  

Mom had found Jesus, Mom had found her saviour and was attending a church regularly.  It's funny  because my husband and I had actually attended the same church once or twice in the beginning of the marriage and child raising.  It was different then though.  

So here I am, knowing my Mom is fighting her cancer battle and watching my child while I go get drunk. Still unable to change my ways.

I told myself on Friday that no matter what happened on Saturday night, no matter how crappy I felt Sunday morning. I was getting out of bed, getting dressed and driving to the church my Mom was attending. I would spend that time with her, doing what she found she loved.  Doing what she felt she needed to do.  What she felt she needed at this time in her life. 

I don't regret a thing ....