New Year New Me, Crap

It's hard to believe another year has passed, welcome 2020. I've read a lot of "New Year new me" so far this year. This is to be expected, I know, it happens every single year.  But honestly I feel like it's all a load of crap, just like it is every year.  This is rightly because deep down I'm not sure that people change without real commitment and real determination and lets face it ... that is not the world we live in today. However, I'm going to keep the faith and pray that they are indeed their "new me". That the new self they've chosen to take will stick and that they have a blessed and happy 2020.

Being on the subject, I felt I'd share a moment of what I've been battling the last few days.  Because lets be frank here, the New Year rang in and I felt like the same old me.  It was a hard year and by the end of it I just felt defeated.  Not only that I felt down, I felt like I was losing or had lost my grip and honestly was slipping into an oblivion.  I found myself looking around in search of my strength, my focus and my hearts desire.  

I felt as though I'd ran too far from my hope, my strength and my hearts desire.  That He couldn't or wouldn't see or hear me anymore. I was traveling back down the rabbit hole and into hell, again.  But, praise be, Psalm 46 says God is our refuge and strength.  I need my strength to carry on. I need my strength to get through this next phase of my life.  Because it's truly time for change, it's truly time to move on with this life.  Out with the old and in with the new and to embrace the One who is truly going to be there with me through it all. The One who will never tell me I'm not good enough. The One who through no matter what I've done or how many times I fall down, like a good Dad he's there encouraging and brushing the leaves from my hair and hugging me through the tears.  

John 16:33 says, These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

I know trouble, I know the heart ache and the tears and the sadness and the feeling that no matter what you will never love enough and will never be enough to those in the world... But to God, I am everything.

Because you see, I'll spout all of this about my heart being in Washington and how much I love it and want to be there and while that is true, in a sense.  It's not all that I am, all that I am is Him. And if he wants me here, then this is where I'll have to be.  And I will be OK with that, because this doesn't mean I can't go back to Washington, it just means at this time of life, it just won't work.  But I love it, I love those tall and beautiful trees.  I love those vast and freezing shores coming into that amazing west coast.  Oh my heart longs to return to that peace, but I have an even better peace only a prayer away.  Praise Him. 

My hearts desire is to please Him.  I've messed it up, over and over again and there no guarantee I won't do it again. By His grace I get another chance, another year, to attempt to make it right.  I'm not a new "person" but I am going to be a new focused me,  with this year I'm going to be determined to be focused.

I refuse to stand still anymore. 

I refuse to deny my soul what it truly longs for.  The happiness only found in the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ.  

I will not be shaken, anymore.