Seeking forgiveness, 1

I'm working on a testimony. But everytime I attempt to gather some thoughts, by the time I get logged in. My thoughts are gone. 

The devil is doing some serious bad deeds in my life right now,  I'm struggling to escape them. Trying to figure out exactly how to escape them.

Life is hard.

Lord forgive me, because I'm failing right now.

Need to be free

I feel like I'm being held back, being judged too. 

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

Not prepared to stand up and fight, especially when it's against someone you're suppose to love.

Someone who is suppose to love you. 

Romans 1:18 "For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;" (KJV)

Our angel

Baby E was being a loud butt the other night, Mr MB being on his phone I took it upon myself to scoop him up and take him into the bedroom so that Mr MB could finish his phone call.  

We're sitting on the bed, playing around, E was beating on a plastic shoe tote. 

Smiling like he always does.

The he kinda looks up, still beating and still smiling.

He sits and looks for a few and then I see his eyes scan up.  Kinda like he's watching someone get up or stand up right.

Still smiling

And he waves his little hand.

I melted right then, smile came across my face and my first thought was my Mama MB.

Blessed be your name

Because ....

Glory and praise to The Lord, because this world will not always love me. Those I love may not always love me back, but God will always love me.  God sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins, He loves me. 

I may not be perfect, I will never be perfect. But He is and I am forgiven. 

Who is this man?

It's a funny story, I guess.  We first met what would be our pastor now while Mama MB was going through with her cancer battles.   She'd committed herself to church and accepted Jesus Christ as her saviour.  I hear pastor tell me now that her first calling to the church she begged that he lead her to Jesus so that when she passed on, she would be accepted into heaven. 

I'd never seen myself from anyone elses eyes, never knew what light I let out for others to see. I did know, then, that I wasn't accepting religion.  I was a pronounced Agnostic and honestly, I doubt I even knew what that was exactly.  I was no atheist, I Just didn't know what or who to believe. Nor did I care ..

So Mama MB was losing her breast to cancer.  The day of the surgery was stressful, of course,  but we'd gone through worse.   I was a bit shocked to meet this man she called her pastor, he was a nice looking fella and super nice also. 

Today he says I was very standoffish (my words). I can't see that, ever. Can you?

I guess it was just shocking to see this man, complete stranger, there to pray with my Mama MB and to just be there as she went through this.  It didn't register then, but now ... Now I get it. 

What would Jesus do? 

He would do the same thing, that the love and life we are suppose to live.  There aren't enough words in the world to give enough thanks to my pastor for everything. 

One of these days, I shall have the words.  Until then, will keep praising God and praying he lend me the words. 

Where it began

It began on the beginning of a weekend, a normal weekend for me. Or what I had been calling normal for some years now.  Another weekend, another party, another guy.  Well, the same guy, nevermind that came out all wrong. 

What would be my husband(again) and I were excited and anticipating the upcoming drinking party at one of my friends houses.  Something I'd been doing for some years already, as I'd mentioned.  Being divorced and dating someone who wasn't opposed to giving me whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it never put up much of a fight to my suggestions of going to a party.  It was easy back then.  Every other weekend, my daughter was with her Dad so other than the work schedule of the man I was dating we were pretty free to party whenever we wanted. 

But I digress. 

So this weekend in question, I knew what the plans were. I was excited for those plans. I wasn't ready or willing to be anything different. To do anything different with my life. I'd got the baby sitter arranged and we were ready to go. 

Mom was still alive then, she was playing baby sitter.  She was surviving breast cancer.  Mom knew something she wasn't telling me or my sister. Knew something she'd either neglected to tell anyone or made them vow secrecy on the matter. I think Mom knew she was going to die. Though she wouldn't let the Dr tell her how long she had or anything like that. I think she knew.  

Mom had found Jesus, Mom had found her saviour and was attending a church regularly.  It's funny  because my husband and I had actually attended the same church once or twice in the beginning of the marriage and child raising.  It was different then though.  

So here I am, knowing my Mom is fighting her cancer battle and watching my child while I go get drunk. Still unable to change my ways.

I told myself on Friday that no matter what happened on Saturday night, no matter how crappy I felt Sunday morning. I was getting out of bed, getting dressed and driving to the church my Mom was attending. I would spend that time with her, doing what she found she loved.  Doing what she felt she needed to do.  What she felt she needed at this time in her life. 

I don't regret a thing ....